Simply Say….

Many years ago I did something awful. Seriously. I am ashamed to tell you this story, but I do so to illustrate a point, so here goes:

A coworker had a death in the family. Our paths crossed on her first day back to work after the funeral. As I saw her in the distance walking toward me down a very long hall, my mind raced to compose the perfect words of comfort. The closer she came the more my brain seemed to freeze up. I could think of nothing profound to say so I panicked. I darted down another hallway before she came close enough to address. I promised myself I would come up with something meaningful and be ready the next time I saw her. Well as you can guess, that never happened. If only I knew then what I know now it would have been so much simpler.

Like so many of life’s quandaries, the Bible has the solution. Romans 12:15 tells us exactly what to do. It says, “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” That verse always confused me. I understood about rejoicing because we all love to share good news. But to weep with those who weep seemed like a waste. Instead of one making another feel better, now there were two people feeling sad. What good was that? But having walked that path myself now, I finally understand.

The verse reveals the underlying desire of everyone who mourns; empathy. The need for others to come alongside and simply acknowledge the pain. Sometimes it is simply being in the room. Notice the verse says to weep not speak. Words of comfort can be tricky. Too often our well meaning words have the opposite effect. We say things like; “at least they aren’t suffering anymore” or “they are rejoicing in Heaven”, etc. Those are all true and kind statements, but the reality is that a loved one is gone from our life and it hurts. It is supposed to hurt. Trying to focus on “the bright side” too soon, can actually bring guilt for the feelings of sorrow we experience.

So now dear reader do I have you in a panic, trying to recall every word of sympathy you ever spoke? If so, I’m sorry, that is not my intent. Instead I want to free you from the pressure to find the right thing to say. It is actually very simple. The best words are also the most common. Don’t let the fear of overuse sway you. The kindest and most empathetic words you can speak are to simply say ” I’m sorry.” There is so much depth in those two little words.

If I could go back in time and repeat the encounter with my grieving coworker it would look something like this: I would give her a big hug and simply say “I’m sorry.”