When God Says No

Dale’s funeral was held on this, the Thursday before Memorial Day, two years ago. Friends came from across the country. Family came from across the world. It feels like yesterday. I still find myself unconsciously shaking my head, unable to fully grasp the harsh reality that his life, and our life together was cut so short.

We ended the funeral in an unusual way. My kids performed a song that was very meaningful in the last year of Dale’s life. The song is “Miracles” by Jesus Culture. I had played that song every day for months. It was my prayer. It was my plea. It was written by a dad right after his baby died. It was his declaration. Even though he didn’t have his prayer answered the way he wanted, he penned these words: “…….I believe in you, I believe in you, you’re the God of miracles……The God who was and is to come, the power of the Risen One, the God who brings the dead to life, you’re the God of miracles”………. It was our family declaration too. But it would be nearly a year before I could bear to hear the song again. For many months, when it would come up on my playlist I would quickly hit “next”. It was just too painful.

That summer I sat for hours trying to wrap my head around this new reality. I did a mental autopsy of the miracle that wasn’t. We had done everything we knew to do, but God said no. I fully believe that God is still in the miracle business….so why not Dale? I could feel disappointment and offense trying to build a stumbling block in my heart. Disappointment will never fully leave my life. Every special event that he misses will have a twinge of sorrow. Offense is what scared me. I have seen far too many walk away from Faith because God did not provide or perform to their expectations. I battled this new threat by remembering and rehearsing all the many ways we had seen him move. There were so many victories of protection and provision with his fingerprint on them. And of course he had given us the ultimate gift, his son! He is a good father and he is sovereign….but still I was unsettled.

One morning I woke up tired. I was tired of having God on trial. Tired of trying to understand the mystery of a God whose ways are so much higher than mine. I put my trust in things I don’t understand every day. God is so much more worthy! I decided to “rest my case” and rest in him. The song “Blessings” by Laura Story has a line that goes: “What if my greatest disappointment and the aching of this life is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.” There will come a day when the hidden things will be revealed, but it won’t be on this side of Heaven. Till that day, my charge and my challenge is to embrace mystery while still living with expectation that yes, he really is the God of miracles, even when he says no.